Can we please stop blaming men?
Dear Ruby,
I was shocked to read that the point of your work is to decolonize the feminine nervous system from the patriarchy. Can we please stop blaming men for our problems?
Sincerely,
A Lover of Men
Dear A Lover of Men,
First, thanks for writing in and for saying what a lot of people are probably thinking. “Decolonize the feminine nervous system from the patriarchy”??!? What does that even mean?
I get it. That’s a mouthful, and it sounds like something you’d see spray-painted on the wall of a Women’s Studies department. So, let’s break it down together (no burning of bras required).
Let’s Start With the Big Question
Is this all about blaming men? Absolutely not. Some of my favorite people are men (I’ve been married for almost 25 years), and let’s be honest… half of them are just as tired of these old cultural scripts as we are.
When I talk about patriarchy, I’m not talking about your husband, your dad, or your oddly opinionated neighbor Bob (although, maybe Bob?).
I’m talking about the centuries-old system, the water we all swim in, that has taught us certain “truths” about who gets to matter, who has to serve, and what makes someone valuable.
So What Does “Decolonize” Actually Mean?
Imagine you’re Marie Kondo-ing your beliefs: you’re sorting through the stuff you inherited (from family, media, culture) and asking, “Does this actually spark joy or is it just weighing me down?”
Decolonizing is about questioning and releasing the habits and beliefs that were never really yours to begin with.
Okay… So WTF IS The “Feminine Nervous System”?
It’s just a fancy way of saying: your body, your mind, your way of being in the world, all shaped by these cultural rules (I like being fancy ). It’s not about chromosomes or gender identity; it’s about how, for example, women often learn that their job is to care, to please, to look pretty, to hold it all together, and to never, ever make a fuss.
But the P WORD?!?! “From the Patriarchy”
Again, not about men, but about the old playbook that says:
Your worth is in what you do for others
Good women are selfless
Don’t make anyone uncomfortable
Your body is for someone else’s approval
Never be too loud, too emotional, too anything
And please, do it all perfectly, with a smile
Sound familiar? Here’s how those scripts show up in daily life:
Feeling guilty for resting or saying no
Chronic over-giving and burnout
Apologizing for having needs
Measuring your worth by your looks or productivity
Swallowing anger and calling it “being nice”
Refusing help, then resenting everyone because you’re exhausted
You see where I’m going.
But Why Name the System At All? Isn’t This Pain Point Marketing?
Oh, I hear you! “Pain point marketing” is everywhere! Those icky tactics that poke at your insecurities just to sell you a solution. But let me be clear… that’s not what’s happening here. In fact, it’s the opposite.
Naming the system isn’t about keeping you stuck in your pain or convincing you you’re broken so I can sell you a magic fix. It’s about shining a light on the actual source of so much silent struggle… so you can see, “Ah, it’s not just me. I’m not crazy, lazy, or failing. I’ve just been handed a script that doesn’t fit.”
That’s not manipulation, it’s liberation.
Once you spot the script, you get to write a new one. This isn’t about blame; it’s about freedom. Dr. Hilary McBride’s research shows that women literally internalize these expectations, leading to stress, burnout, and even physical symptoms. A 2023 review in Frontiers in Psychology found that women who practiced “somatic self-compassion” basically, being kind and attentive to their bodies, were better able to break these cycles and feel more at home in themselves.
And let’s be fair: men get their own set of terrible scripts, don’t feel, don’t need, don’t lose. No one wins in this old story.
So, naming the system isn’t rubbing salt in the wound; it’s giving you the map out of the maze. That’s not pain point marketing… it’s the first step toward real, embodied freedom.
So, what’s the point?
Reclaim Your Beauty is not about blaming anyone. It’s about noticing which beliefs were handed to you, and choosing which ones you actually want to keep. We make space for rest, wholeness, pleasure, and self-trust. We come back home to our bodies and decide what feels beautiful, for ourselves. Not based on external rules and regulations.
And yes, sometimes it means getting a little feisty about what you’re no longer willing to carry.
If “patriarchy” feels too spicy, call it “the old story.” The main thing is: you deserve a new one.
Thanks for opening this conversation. Keep the questions coming… I love a good myth-busting session.
With warmth, a wink, and deep respect,
Ruby
P.S. If you recognize yourself in any of those scripts, you’re not broken. You’re just human and awareness is always the first step toward liberation.
Ask Ruby Your Question
If there’s a question alive in your body.. about beauty, power, rest, pleasure, or reclamation, write to me below. Examples of questions that Ruby answers:
“Ruby, I don’t feel beautiful anymore. What can I do?”
“Why do I still collapse around men?”
“How do I rest when my body feels unsafe?”
Your story may become the next Letter to Ruby, offered anonymously, with reverence. We move from performance to resonance. First with ourselves and then radiating out to others. Here, women remember that their bodies hold the blueprint for liberation.
You’ll also receive the first five letters in the Reclaim Your Beauty series, written for the woman awakening from overwork, overgiving, and over-polishing, and a 19-minute walking meditation called She Walks In Beauty.
We will only use your first name and last initial. If you would like to remain completely anonymous, please let us know in the question.